Category Archives: Lighten Up

Saving a Friendship in Traffic

Why isn’t this on the drivers test?

A DMV rule would sure clear things up.

 

There’s that semi-uncomfortable moment when you see somebody you know in traffic and they pull up alongside of you. You wave and acknowledge each other. Then one of you files back in the flow of traffic.

 

There’s trouble ahead. You may be about to look stoopid.

 

If you pull even with them again, do you purposely avoid looking at them? Isn’t that rude? Cuz otherwise what…do you do something goofy? What do you do?

You’ll start thinking about why you did what you did and have to figure out how to feel about it.
Not good!

This just happened to me and my friend.
He’s a goof. We are sprocketheads around each other.
I thought I knew him.
Turns out he’s smarter than me.

 

He decided to lay off. He put on the brakes, and tucked in behind me to avoid it altogether. Not at all what I thought he’d do.

 
Respect.
 

I texted him that I was onto him and that he was smart for avoiding the moment. Either or likely both of us could have regretted what we would have come up with at the moment.
It may have saved the friendship.

 

Well what do you do?

 

Looking In The Recesses

 

I haven’t had baked beans in a long time

 

I just kind of forgot about them.
I saw them deep in the cupboard while foraging for what to make for dinner.
You know the moment, You look at the can and kinda mentally taste it.
A whole lotta info gets sifted in those few seconds of judgement.

 

I don’t know, they seem kinda basic, maybe a bit too picnic-y for me. I’m not saying I’m better than the baked bean lifestyle, I don’t even know what that is. There’s probably funky shorts and ratty sandals involved. But I decided to break out the bakers and eat them with a burger.

 

Holy wood stump were they good!

 

I guess it’s true, all those sayings like distance makes the heart grow fond.
I’m going to explore a few more things like this.

 

The storied magic of beans dissipates as quickly as the expected excess of bad air they are legend to produce.
I don’t think I’ll be having baked beans again soon because the allure is gone. But I know there’s other things in my cupboard that might have been there for a year that I’ll have a great time trying again.
What, I’m not gonna throw it out unless I have to. Like spam, that stuff is about as good as bad gets.

 

I gave up on the potted meat. They don’t even try coming up with a name for it. It’s just what it is – potted meat. What is that, could it take root? For all I know Spam is potted meat,  but I’ll eat Spam cuz it has a name to connect to.
I don’t think the potted meat had an expiration date but I gave it one. It was bought more as a joke anyway.

 

Some things are kept in the recesses for a reason and others are undervalued, even just forgotten. Most everything has that moment where you look at it and see it’s best. That’s what got me to buy in to it in the first place.

 

I’m sure there’s some friends I have that are like the baked beans. I should look ‘em up.
If you can dig past the spam, you probably have a few cans of baked beans too.
Sometimes the background of your life is worth bringing back to the forefront and sometimes it just causes bad air.
Still, it’s worth a look.

 

goiG’s Contracted Water

goiG.

My corporate identity.

They treated me like a number and so I acted like one.
I worked 3rd shift – all night long.
It’s my relationship to the movie Office Space.

 

In the office at the front desk the plants were dying.  Me and my fellow number identifiers left a note that we watered them so they wouldn’t get either none or too much from 1st shift.
That led to a corporate memo saying that we have a contract with a company who comes in and waters them so we aren’t allowed to.

 

My next note to 1st shift had one of the plant stems acting as an arm, holding a pen next to a sticky note that read “Feed me – signed, the plant.”

 

Another corporate memo and a mini breakdown from the receptionist.

 

goiG and his fellow co-workers were the problem here.
The work we were there to do? That was done properly and on time. That was boring enough. But this level of nutty was more than a person can reasonably be expected not to react to.
It was as reactive in it’s direction as the over-reaching stupidity of a corporate control mechanism designed to keep the minions in their place was.
My corporate number was 9016, but I was known as goiG.

 
Because I love these so much, feel free to post any of your “Office Space” moments in the comments section below.

Giving the Finger

If my index finger just fell off that would change my entire life

It would be more than just a lost finger.
It’s how I communicate.
 
It’s my trackpad and mousing finger for starters. My shushing finger, my “that guy over there” finger, my “you, yeah you” finger. My c’mere finger, My phone swiping finger, and my little party – I’m fake dancing waving my finger in the air like I don’t care over here in my seat finger. It’s my home run, balls and strikes calling finger for baseball season. It’s my barely friendly enough wave from the car as I hold the steering wheel finger. It’s my get that piece of thing outta my teeth finger. It’s my way to tell left from right cuz it’s the tall part of making a capital L on my left hand finger. When you see a kid digit deep in nose meat, he’s happy to have a diggin’ finger.
How many more useful ways can I sing it’s praise?
 
It’s what animals, at best, have that comes nearest to our opposable thumb.
It’s the real workhorse of the finger family.
The thumb gives the thumbs up sign but the index finger tells who you’re talkin’ to.
The thumb, sure, deserved respect. But the swiping finger…hooo…that’s a lifer.

Wuz-Wuz

I notice the things people say

 

It started when I was young.
I learned words.
But then I learned to listen.

 
For many years now, and I mean many, whenever I hear two was-es back to back I have to repeat it.
Let me explain.

Someone says something like “no, see what it was, was a chicken dressed like a…” – whatever.
So I hear that and quietly go – “was was” to myself. It sounds more like wuz wuz – a noise instead of a word.

 

It started out as funny, noticing when it happened. Now it happens in batches and I haven’t broken my string.
Sometimes it happens in situations where it’s inappro-pro to repeat it. I’d be dismissed as the goofball who says things like was-was or inappro-pro. So I do it quietly, make a game out of it. I have to think about how can I say it without having someone call it out in those cases requiring decorum.

 

Whenever I do break it, it will have been fun but it will have been pointless over a number of years.

 

I may have just uncovered my epitaph.
Here lies Dr. Bunk – it was was a long and pointless run.
Sorry, kinda.

 

I GOTTA SIDE WITH VEGETARIANS ON THIS ONE

 

Some food isn’t worth it

 

The problem with oysters

Why is this food for us?
For starters, it’s protected
by a super hard rock of a shell.
If we want at it,
we have to get by that.
To me, it’s clear we’re not supposed to.

 

There was a first time for somebody.
It wasn’t getting away quickly,
they had the hunger,
and they checked into it.
It had to be primitive times for people
to look at that and even
think about eating it.
It makes as much sense
to try to plant it or
clean the cave walls with it.

 

I’ll bet you didn’t know that
the babies are called oyster spat.
Even at their cutest stage
they’re named for an argument.

So ok, they eventually opened up this oyster.
How, I don’t know, but some way they did it.
They open a jewel box
not knowing what they’ll find.

There’s a tongue in there.
No eyes, no body, just a tongue.

 

Today we still have to work to get it open.
We even designed tools for this operation.
Rather than give up on a
bad tasting menu item,
we went deeper and built tools.

 

The thing is, it never
got better as a food.
Because it tastes so awful
we have to slam it
with lemon and hot sauce
just to change or kill
the taste it comes with.
And don’t chew it.
You don’t chew it.
Well, ok, the experts say
two or three chews.
That’s a select crowd though.
There’s a few of everything
in this world.

 

Connoisseur’s excluded, the idea is to
get it to go down your throat
as quickly as possible and that’s
the enjoyment of an oyster.
After all that, that’s as good as it gets.

 

It’s so bad that a sales tactic
is one that says if you eat them,
it gets you all horndogged
and in the mood.
Not many foods need that
to get people to even consider it.
Take the biggest urge man has
and attach that to a food.
Wow.
Oh, and apparently there’s
good ones and bad ones.
I don’t know how to tell.
I haven’t tried jellyfish either
– I’m sure someone has.

 

If this is anything like what the
meat story is like to vegetarians,
I just now understand their choice.

SALE PRICING IS INCONVENIENT

 

People love a sale.
But sales are screwing everything up!

 

The problem is that we’ve been conditioned by a sale
to the point that now paying full price makes me feel like
I’m not being smart with my money.
People love to tell about the good deal they uncovered.
That’s how you turn pro.
I don’t hear too many telling how smart they are
by paying full retail price,
“oh I only buy MSRP, that’s how you do it.”
If it’s not on sale then it’s overpriced
When I’m shopping, I can’t get it out of my mind
that the company determines what I’ll pay, not me.
You hear often that something is only worth
what another will pay for it.
I guess that’s not completely true.

 

I like in olden times when people would take to trading.
“What’ll ye give me fer it?”
If I go into a store and bring a $35 item up to the counter
and say “I’ll give ye 20 bucks fer it.” They’ll say no.
When it’s on sale, if I try to give them $35 for it,
they’ll say no.
What’s going on here?
I have no say in the process other than
whether I accept their offer.

 

Now we’re even lured into a purchase
if they offer free shipping.
Like we don’t think they’d change the price
of the items to cover that.

 

Convenience costs

To find a deal, you gotta be willing to search it out.

How can we go about changing the entire system
of paying what a company determines we should pay?
The goal of both the manufacturer
and the retailer is to sell to us.

Let’s haggle.
Can we wrestle back control by saying
what we’ll pay and negotiating with ‘em?
Sales clerks would get back to actually selling,
making deals to get product off the shelves
instead of just moving it to a clearance rack.

 

Eh, that’s way too much hassle.
I’m already tired of the idea.
I’ll start my revolution depending on how badly
I need that piece of thing at the moment.

 

A-ha! That’s how we get got.

WHEN TO USE A SALAD FORK

Answer:
When you need a fork.

 

I bought two types of forks.
I don’t know why.
I didn’t even know I did this.
They came with the complete set.

 

Why the different length of fork tines?
You salad forkers might have gone mental.
You designed a utensil that is the same as one already invented.
I researched it, they work exactly the same.

 

I have no trouble picking up steak with my salad fork.
I can use any fork to eat my salad.
I don’t really eat much salad.
I would get more use out of a meat fork and a dessert fork,
assuming that I went with the idea.
But there is a salad fork – that I don’t need.

 

That probably makes me unsophisticated
but I can still put the salad in my head.
No problems.
Upper crusters have problems I don’t have.
I have less money, sure, less silver at the table,
but I can easily get food to the mouth pipe
with almost any utensil.
Including the opposable thumb/finger grab.
Call me Cro-Magnon if you want, but I get the job done.
I’m not going hungry over the improper use of specialized utensils.

 

I’d consider using your beloved salad fork
like a mini trident when you look at me
in disgust for using it incorrectly.
Maybe that’s the attitude that’s keeping me
from getting any dinner invites to mansions.
…or maybe it’s all the other stuff.

EDI-BLING

Binge eating Cheetos at night.
You had to have done this at least once.
If not, you’re not missing anything.
Still, it’s beyond wanting to stop.
You love it at the moment.
I’m talking about the moment before it’s gone bad
by eating way too many.
The taste in the mouth good –
not the waste in your gut bad.

 

Did you ever eat so many at once that they cake up around your teeth?
There’s a finely ground, moist, sticky cheeto paste fixed to your teeth
as a protective barrier, like a dental crown.
It can’t really be removed quickly.
It’s orange spackle.

 

Now that I think too much about it, with the gold grillz thing going on,
how about a Cheetos grillz?
Fashion candy.
And they taste better than gold mixed with slobber. 
At least it’s better than the viral marketing of cinnamon.
No? well, sorry kinda, it’s all I got.
Being full on Cheetos isn’t exactly brain food.

CALLING IN WELL

Some people act on things
in ways you don’t expect.
It sure is fun to watch.

Years ago, I was visiting family and my cousin unexpectedly stopped over.
Not having seen her for a while we were having a good time on a beautiful day
just laughing. She’s really cool.
She had to go to work though.

As we were looking forward to what my brother’s family and I were going to do,
my cousin wanted more to be with us than at work.
Easy thought to have.

But she went the extra step.

She declared that she was calling in and promptly stepped over to
the phone and called her work.
She said something to the effect of this:
My cousin is in town, it’s a beautiful day, and I feel too good to work today.
So I’m calling in well to work. I’ll be in tomorrow.

That should be a series someone takes to new motivational heights.
Feeling too well and deciding right there to do something to keep that feeling in play.
That’s living well.

She lost her job.
– Eh, there’s others.