Tag Archives: relationship

Friends For Life

Everybody has a central issue that
negatively affects their life

Most don’t even know it.
Do you?

Is it credit seeking?
Is it self-esteem, value?
Is it fairness or justice?

These are things that likely are deep-seated from childhood in most cases. There are also inherent genetic or chemical issues that have been developed by your make up. Maybe you’ve been around a poor influence for a long period of time and you got lost in that way of thinking.

Finding this out gives you the ability to address it and understand where problems can come from and then how to deal with them effectively.

It’s the hardest part of the entire equation because you are forced to realize that you are in fact, not good at something that is holding you back. That is never fun to admit. We all have that thing to admit though. That’s a part of being human.

What you do after acknowledging that you need work should come from a more healthy place. There is a level of submission to something you don’t fully understand. It softens the hard exterior that other people couldn’t relate to you through. What people see as vulnerable and in need of protection is actually the very thing that allows another to relate honestly with a person. This is what relationships are really all about.

There are people you know right now that you could be much better friends with. Something is missing and you’re not sure what it is.

What does being a friend look like?

Among other things it means not trying so hard to convince other people that you have all the answers. Your opinion may, in fact, be correct but if it costs relationship by brow-beating someone with whom you are in a conversation, you’ve won nothing. They are not more impressed by you. Allow people their thoughts too. You may come away with a new perspective.
That’s also called growth.

Some won’t put in the effort and their results will show it.
There are, however, many waiting for those of us willing to be a friend – to any degree. That means liking someone enough to listen.
Even at the gas station or quickly at the grocery store. From that comes the parts of your life that are about to get better. Having good friends will affect you in a much bigger than expected way – even one or two more.

It is statistically shown to lengthen life and reduce things like high blood pressure and stress. These aren’t things you think about but the results are in – making this effort as clinical and real as anything your doctor could prescribe.
This is for the benefit of your life.
The true, deep, honest and meaningful benefit of your life.

If asked, everyone would say that they want a good life, and as long as possible. That end goal is why the effort is needed now.

It’s worth it to know.
It’s worth it to fight through.
We all have it but not everyone has overcome it.

Are you able to question the kind of friend you are?
The quality of your life dares you to try.

Adult Taxonomy

How much of my time do you occupy?

 
It’s up to us to determine the proper balance in what we allow.
If we say yes to everything asked, they will continue to ask– and ask more.
If we say no to everything asked, we miss out on relationship.
Both are extremes and invite abdication.
Don’t move towards abuses of responsibility.
 
It’s our job to budget our time and place our priorities.
Often that means change.
 
Responsibility and Relationship are the categories.
Focus those.
That R&R focused is living well.

Which Direction Do You Grow?

Growth happens

We’re wired to grow. It happens without our consent.
What direction our growth takes is something we can affect.
From what we eat and how we take care of our bodies, to what we read or learn, we shape the areas in which our growth happens.

Grace with tact –  the act of letting it go, combined with knowledge have to be in increasing supply to permit proper growth.

Development is what we move towards naturally. It’s more of a conscious decision not to progress. Our bodies, our minds, our jobs, our experiences all provide maturation.
We have to allow ourselves to not think we know something when we don’t in order to learn about it. We have to let go of the front we pose or we won’t understand, our sights are then set on the façade rather than the depth of understanding the new information. Proper focus will allow knowledge to take root.

Grace and knowledge

That alone is a lifelong process.
But there are plenty of intelligent people with depreciating values.
They demand, hold things over others, cajole, manipulate, coerce, but do not connect.

Knowledge has a purpose and that is to affect others. To mentor, to create, to collaborate,  share, pass along and make better.
That is growth beyond us.
Many act as though the pursuit of knowledge is the end game.
It is not.
Relationship is the end game, accomplished by sharing knowledge.
It evolves a species, technologically and relationally.

Knowledge can be gained through information but it’s not valued until it’s experienced.
It’s not fully experienced until it’s shared.
We’re never done growing up.

Hard-Wired To Lie Is Only Half True

 

I’ve heard the argument that kids
don’t need to be taught how to lie.
They know how to inherently.

 

While true, I still disagree with the premise. At least in part.
In my estimation it’s one-sided.
Where you are on this point speaks to your world view in general.

 

Children also know how to be honest.
“Out of the mouths of babes.” Kids tell the brutal truth.
So they know how to do that inherently also.
Let’s attempt to keep the scale balanced with the revelation of truth.

 

Learning to Choose

Kids don’t have the social filters of experience either in lying or truth telling.
Their choice is what we’re talking about.
Kids first learn about truth or lies by testing it out at home or by what they see at home. They want to get a response from the parent. They are seeking engagement.
What is the parent encouraging?
Kids inherently want to connect, to have a bond as they find out about boundaries. They want the safety to push and still come back to everything in their world being ok.
Although they aren’t aware of why, what they are really seeking, with honesty or lies, is the ability to form relationships that help them grow and understand themselves.

 

Relationships are inherently a good thing, the choice of good ones or bad ones aside.
Isolation is the opposite of relationship.
You send a kid to their room when they do wrong.
A prisoner gets put into isolation as punishment even as he is being isolated from the rest of the world as punishment.

 

Kids seek relationships first from parents and siblings. Then friends.
They will choose relationships with people. Whether it’s positive or negative probably has more to do with their evaluation of relationships that were established early in their lives. That’s were good parenting comes in.
If you have a relationship with your kids, and you praise honesty and give them good results with honesty, if you teach them the proper boundaries of dishonesty, then you give them tools to form good relationships with later.
Seems obvious, right? Yet there are many to whom it doesn’t seem so, and you know some of them.
Tools, example and proper encouragement are what we can best give, it’s individual choice beyond that.

 

Kids do indeed know how to lie by nature. That’s true. That is not the argument.
Not enough weight is given to what is taught about connecting and the rewards of being honest. It’s not as concrete. Morality gets its results later. Results from a lie are right now.

 

Kids will manipulate, we all do.
The balancing of it is the interesting part of the discussion.
I know people who are very in balance with the amount of honesty they have in their life.
They are happy, well-adjusted people. They can handle the down cycles. I’ve seen them get through it.
The argument is in the dominant thought that kids, actually all adults too, fundamentally have the knowledge of how to lie, how to tell the truth, and that their choice is so deep-seeded towards lying that they just can’t help it.
Are adults then perpetuating this programming of how to lie and manipulate by the hierarchical work system and a media culture bent to coerce?

 

Lying is given far too much attention and leaves negative affects as a result. If given the choice, and we are, who would want negative results? It’s the expectation of your experience. It’s where you place your attention daily by the default of your actions. As in the example where your child comes home with All A’s and one B- and you only focus on what went wrong to get the B rather than praising all they did to get A’s.

 

If we are given human defaults, abilities, as gifts to use in our lives, we are responsible for strengthening our ability to manage them with ethics.
The following question is – where do we get our ethics from?
If you believe that something is a gift from God, doesn’t that mean we have a responsibility to strengthen it?
Once we have a source for ethics, or a gauge to go by, we still have the hard work of controlling our behavior.
That is the bigger factor in your life towards being successful and impactful.

 

Pre-wired is a starting point.
The result of our lives is something we have to jump into and engage with.
That is connection and that’s the truth.

 

Hi, My Name Is Project

 

Your project is a person

 

It helps if you treat her like one.
There’s a counseling method that works in marriages that says there are her needs, there are his needs, and then there is the relationship’s needs.
Your project is a marriage of many minds all vying for their place in it.
Giving the project its own equal vote allows you to look at it more objectively.

With all there is to do, it’s easy to forget that it’s all for people.
 

Remembering this at the proper time is a difference maker.

 

Who Are You Helping?

Generosity Promotes Reciprocity

 

Someone asks for your help

Do you:
1. Take the time to ask a number of questions to find out what it is that would help them best, whether it’s something you can do or something another person could do to better serve their needs?

 

2. Dive right in and start doing what you know how to do, even if it doesn’t totally solve their problem, figuring it needs to be done anyway, and that is helping them even if they don’t know it.

 

One says “let’s figure this out.” (helps solve their problem).
The other says “look at what I know” (doesn’t help, in fact, may create more to solve).
Another way of saying that is – one is for them, the other is for the helper.
Yet another way – One is help, one isn’t.

You give help to someone

Do they:
1. Engage enough to be present. You might need them to do something. The chance exists to learn from you.

 

2. Leave, but not before issuing instruction on how it is to be done and when. They’re busy and they have more important things to do to keep the train rolling.

 

One says I appreciate the generosity and am in this with you, thank you.
The other says, I am too busy to learn or engage and just need you to do this.
This is a pattern, it will repeat if you’re around for the asking.
In other words, I need but don’t truly appreciate your kindness or time and will prove it by asking until you’re burned out on the repeated requests.
Again, one is help, one isn’t.

 

Help is not hiring
When you hire someone to perform a service or do something requiring expertise that you don’t possess, there is a contract, agreement, and an understanding of the work to be done. The expectation is that you are not helping. You are more likely getting in the way if you’re too involved. They would no doubt prefer for you to let them do the job you are paying them to do.

 

Help, on the other hand, is given freely, has it’s boundaries and is easy to burn up when not reciprocated in any other way.
Help given should be done with the right spirit and boundaries.
Help received should be appreciated and where possible, reciprocated.

 

Being full of thanks is what makes for great relationships.
It’s what leads to helping.
Being helped makes you want to help back.
That’s the best circle to engage in repeating.

 

If You’re Not There Today, You’ll Never Get There

In pursuit of what

You go to work every day – hope you like it.
You come home. What do you do?
Have you ever said something to yourself about just how fast time is flying by?
If we get 80 years on this planet, that’s 29,200 days.
It makes you realize how valuable an era in your lifespan is.

 

So what are you in pursuit of?
Money, Relationship, Credit, Respect, Love?
What happens if you were to get it?
Will you figure out how to enjoy it if you don’t enjoy now?

 

We measure success by achievement.
Albert Einstein, for all his achievement as a human, didn’t seem to figure out the behavior of relationship. He did understand it though.

If you start today, your tomorrow will be getting you there.
That is, if your today isn’t.
Enjoy!

?

DOGMA OF BELIEF OR SPIRIT OF GROWTH

Looking for our life’s philosophy
outside of ourselves leads to growth.
But is it growth in the right direction?

Parents have to think about this mostly because
they have a direct influence over other people – their kids.
Others have influence over people at work or socially.
How you speak your mind determines how people respond to you.
It’s how they get to know you.

 
Some speak very dogmatically as if they know.
These people are often respected and listened to.
The more meek or “softer” person isn’t. That’s just they way it is.

But look at the results

You can find examples of those who talk authoritatively.
A pitch man on TV, an elixir salesman in the traveling circus,
or someone you know professionally.
They have become known and even respected members of their community.
But after many years of knowing them, many of them act differently
than they have been soliciting themselves over the years.
There are inconsistencies that show up.

 

That led me to this obvious realization, prompting the post.

 
Truly comfortable, self confident people don’t look for credit or respect.
They go about acting on their beliefs, and your opinion of them
doesn’t change that belief.
They, of course, are influenced by others too,
but they seem to hold a closer relationship with those
whom they respect and allow themselves to be influenced by.

People employing a spirit of growth
don’t get their self-image from other people.

There are so many out there speaking to win the immediate battle
and creating a dogma, or a religion all their own.
I question whether this comes out of lack.
“He doth protest too much” – Overcompensation.

 
As far as you are concerned though, your influence on others,
present whether you realize it or not,
is one of either forced man-made religion or the spirit of growth.

 
Look at the results that are present to determine what you are doing
and who you are including as influencers in your life.

TEXTING TRUMPS HALLMARK

Turns out I can write better cards than Hallmark.
Their writers aren’t living my life.

When I have a good thought about someone in my circle of friends,
a practice I use is to let them know it.

It’s ironic that we have more communication tools and means than ever before
but our practice of communication is weaker than in the past.
It’s a human tool not simply machinery.

Think of it, how often do you get a text or email or phone message
where someone is telling you what a benefit you are to them in any way?

That thought that you had about that person came to you for some reason.
Act on it and see what happens.

Relationship is about being vulnerable/honest enough to tell the truth, good or bad.
If it’s easy to tell someone what they did wrong, that’s not nearly as constructive
as you think.

Being convinced against your will isn’t being convinced.

Telling them what you like about them or value, that would be affirming
and strengthen your ability to be listened to later if they did something
needing corrective input.

It’s easier than ever now.
I’ll shoot a text message when that happens to me.
When I get some of that back, I might reply that I’m glad to have thought of them today,
even just this quickly.
It’s funny how good conversations you have with trusted friends
seem to contain the very thing you need to hear.

I had a discussion with a good friend that shaped my thoughts due to their wisdom.

After having dinner with friends, I’ll text them later what I liked about our time,
a good line of the night or just that I appreciated it.
Very simple and not sappy. Real.

It’s what I love about New York – the ability to be real.
No problem telling you anything, good or bad.
The mindset seems to be – There’s things to do. I gotta get to ’em.
The result is that you know where you stand and you have the chance
to feel appreciated by those in your circle.

You have an affect others, make it a bond strengthening one.